I haven’t posted in a while.. A week, 2 weeks? I think it’s been two weeks.
In the past blogs I have written in a preachy manner on the importance of following through and doing what you set out to do everyday over and over again, and I didn’t follow my own advice.
I fell down so to speak.
I have relapsed and returned to a prior addiction I had and for the last two weeks I have been attempting and failing, reattempting and failing again etc. to get clean again. I am 3 days clean now.
I wasn’t going to write this blog if it wasn’t for a realization I had to *get out of my own way*
I should have gotten out of my own way and let myself show the violence, anguish, and misery I was experiencing in my being.
Disappointment. I have gone 2-3 months clean, and I just let go in one moment and I relapsed.
I read a book by Christopher Hyatt and in it he talks about the process of “getting rid of an addiction”
It goes something like this. (You have to really want to be rid of it for you to kick it)
At first when you kick an addiction, you will last 1-2 weeks before you relapse. On your second try, you will last 1-3 months before you relapse, and on your third try you will last 4-6 months before you relapse, and for some people ( for some 4th time’s the charm) on their 4th time it will take 2 years before they relapse and recover and be rid of an addiction. This is for the average person… some freaks- i mean that in a good way- go cold turkey and succeed on their first try.
In my personal experience this has been accurate with a few exceptions. – I will not get into those right now
So I decided to get out of my own way, with the worrying of “ooh my writing is not good when I’m in this state” and just follow through with the motions no matter what the results may be, and no matter what the backlash will be.
Love me or hate me, but this is who I am at my worst, a human being filled with anguish, rage, anger, sadness, frustration, and disappointment in myself, and I never would want anyone to spend a single minute around me when I am like this. And if you’re reading this I hope I have not spread my “sickness” over to you through my writing- although I am 3 days clean so it should be minimized.
Once again thank you for reading, and you have a beautiful day.