“if you hit me, Ill hit you back.”

I got into an argument with my mom yesterday. Let me tell you the story.

Yesterday, while my mother was on her 3rd or 4th beer of the day there was a soccer match playing on the television, England vs Italy. 

My mom started perpetually, starting from the lower levels of anger and hate, increasing the intensity of her emotions.

“Over the years as my parents became more successful, they started drinking a lot more on a day to day basis. At first, they just seemed to enjoy themselves a lot, but as their drinking progressed, their drinking days started becoming more and more of a burden to them and to my brother and I.”

As my mom broke another level of hate and anger and after I said to her “I won’t talk to you when you’re drunk/drinking”, she got in my face and her whole face was tense, looking like a person about to snap, her eyes tense and angry, she started blurting out very hurtful things “you’re stupid”, “you English bastards deserved to lose” (she used more colourful words, also she said English because I was cheering for England and they ended up losing the match to Italy), that kind of behaviour and those words brought back a flashback of when I was little when my mom would beat (beat is a heavy word, it felt like a beating at that age) my brother and I every single day for weeks. ( she had emotional issues and mental issues at the time because my father would only come once a week to visit- he was working to get us out of the bad neighbourhood we were in.  We have never talked about those events, never discussed or even acknowledged that they happened, I wasn’t over them, still not over them, and she, my mom, is not willing to talk about them- I’ve tried, many times.)

Sorry, she never punched us, she would open hand smack our faces, but mostly she used a belt.

So, as she is in my face saying these things, in the most serious and focused manner I told her “if you hit me”, “ill hit you back”. Immediately after I said that my mom became defensive and the anger and hate from her face dissipated.

“How?” “what?”, then I told her that “the hate in your face, in your eyes, those are the the features of a person about to snap and punch somebody.” Then she said “why would you say that?” ” i would never hit you”. and I said, “you have in the past”.

 silence……. It was silent for the next 2-3 minutes, then my mom took the last 2-3 beers of the six pack and went to the basement. She cried a little bit, I went I gave her a hug and said ” i didn’t mean to upset you like that”.

Next day, this morning actually, my mom tells my dad that “I threatened to beat her up”, fucking coward mother. I wont be talking to her any time soon, and when I decide to, both of us will need to talk about that “hellish” childhood period and this particular incident.

This has been a dark post, I hope you got something out of it. 

Thank you for reading and you have a nice day.

 

 

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