I was out of high school. Happy, high self esteem, full of life, and nothing could stop me.
First day of university , it is a nightmare. Everyone in class is dead silent, tense and uptight. Right off the bat I set myself up as the goofy kid in the class. How long can you be goofy when everyone around you is so serious.
This continued for the next 3 years and over these 3 years my self esteem, confidence and joy for life began to dwindle, until…
In the middle of the first semester of my 3rd year I dropped out.
These are the events that took place a week prior to me dropping out of university.
I was waiting for the c train and as I saw it coming, my body, on its own, started to move, it wanted to jump in front of the train. Consciously I was trying to make the best of my situation with the misery of school but at that point my body has passed a threshold in which it became more painful to live than it was enjoyable, it became more painful to live on a consistent basis that my body said “okay, were done lets get out of here”. After that incident a lot of similar reflexes began to appear. Whenever I saw a knife, my hand wanted to grab the knife and stab my stomach, and it wasn’t a conceptual fantasy that I had in my head, I would literally catch myself with a knife in my hand facing towards me and talk to my hand, shocked, and ask “what are you doing?” then my body would relax a bit and I would realize ” holy shit, I was going to STAB MYSELF”. I would walk over a high bridge and my body would pull me to jump off of it, and after a week of these bizarre and shocking moments I said to myself “school is not worth it for ***me***, I will not spend another moment doing something that makes my body behave this way”. And I dropped out, and ever since I have been slowly relaxing and discharging that energy, and learning to enjoy life and discover myself.
Thank you for your time and you have a nice day, I hope you enjoyed my writing. THank you once again.