Being pulled in a thousand different directions, in the last couple of months I have developed friendships with a circle of people who are students of boxing, and I’ve learned a lot about the sport and it’s behind the scenes from this circle of people. I’ve also been developing strong urges to introduce these undoing exercises (face stretching, atlas shrug, the flop, and croak hold and flick to start with) to the students who are competing. Many of which started training when I was training.
In my personal internal life, I feel I’m stuck on a platform from which I can’t seem to lift off of or move from, I think there’s a tv series called “Gilligan’s Island”, the one where a group of people are stuck on an island and every time they try to escape they end up back on that same island.
I’m on my way to “escaping” and then shifts begin to occur and when I make a wrong turn so to speak I fall flat on my face with everyone around me celebrating my fall, and capitalizing on that period of time from my failure to the time to when I can get back on my feet and begin my escape again. My mom seems to be incredibly aware of it, to where she completely changes her act over night. I’ve become familiar with this process after it happening so many times, and each time I go through it, it fuels the fire to leave this internal space once and for all, which might never happen but I’m hoping it does.
Relationship with my older brother has changed, we used to have mutual respect which is gone, and as I watch the changes happening in him, rather than in myself, I realize what my role in his life has been previously, I was the person to fall back on on many different levels and now that I don’t play that role anymore he doesn’t like me very much, I foresee him really disliking me once he sees the degree of which I lost interest in the things we shared together and maybe with time we could be free of each others b.s.
Also working on the chest area, the more I explore that area the more things arise, new sensation of the ribs and how unnaturally tight they are (I suspect it’s due to holding on to the fear of embarassment since being a little boy), and posutral issues are arising (ones from time to time that would scream at me to go to sign up for a yoga class), I would consciously force myself to do a lot of things including holding my spine straight, and letting go of that and realizing and going through different transformations like a gnome or a troll becoming a little disgusting creature one week and coming out of that slowly and becoming something I’m closer to admiring, and then taking another form. I’m physically experiencing these transformation of different creatures which I find very bizzarre and once I let go of judging I just experience them and it brings memories of certain behaviours I’ve marked to remember in the past because I wanted an explanation for them and what would cause someone to have such a habit. At night I experience almost unbearable jolts in my legs, which I’ve also learned to enjoy and they would keep me awake all night. And subtly painful “cracking experience of my chest is also becomnig a common experience which I look forward to and learned as being a good sign because the day following I feel a nice.