I am always hungry.
At this stage/ moment/ phase of my life, a deep, profound desire to feast, a hunger of a bottomless pit that cannot be satisfied by food, permeates my existence.
Im not sure what can satiate this hunger.
It started on my birthday, 3 weeks ago…
I began running every day a minimum of 10km. At least 10km, I have ran 23-24 km twice, 13-15 km 15 times, and 10km 15 times. My latest addition is primarily running up and down a long steep hill. It satisfies my hunger for a bit, but my hunger continues to grow.
I’ve began an intense living process where Im always busy, I’m always working/ developing something, whether it’s business, arts, health or lifestyle choices; it’s become an incessant journey to purify my day to day activities, to cut the fat out of my life, chisel out the rough edges, remove any diminishing or restricting ideas, beliefs, and relationships. It’s torturous, maddening and unbelievably lonely to undergo this process.
There are some terms that I’ve heard used that I can relate with my experience: “setting yourself on fire”, “undoing yourself”, “unlearning”, “going through”.
I’m frustrated with some of the internal difficulties. Part of me does not want to do it, it’s too hard it says. I still do it, I still do the work every day from morning till night. Sleep is my only rest. I’m learning so much about myself. I have a fear that I might burn out and disappear for a while, maybe even forever. But I don’t care, I’ll try to go as hard and as fast as I can with this and leave no stone unturned.
If I disappear in the process then so be it.